| If every surface you touch is cold, never go home |
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[04 Dec 2007|03:54pm] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
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It's really hard to look back at all of this and what I've written. Every entry is either "fuck this" or "fuck that." It's sad to think that I was so angry with the world at one point.
I think that's what depression is. Just being pissed off and bitter to the point that you no longer find a POINT in anything. You see everything as defective and wrong when in fact the defects just lie within yourself. The external world is just a reflection on what going on inside of you. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I am surely not healed but on my way towards it. I'm done being angry. I can only make myself start feeling better if I find peace with things, even those that I deem trivial.
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[14 Jun 2007|09:00pm] |
I used to be different. I used to be innocent and sweet and loving and alive and somewhere along that road, I lost my soul and every living part of me until I was left with bits and slices of reminders. And my love of life now rests in the beauty of others and my complete devotion and care that no matter how sad they are, they will one day pick themselves up and grew into these wonderful people that I see them as already. I guess I wish I dared the same for myself. The same kind of swan transformation. But scars grow. Some fade. Others surgery can only even. A few become deadly tributes to the realization of how fairy tales can only exist in the minds of the pure. And once the line of purity is crossed, the process of homecoming proves to be insensitive and uncaring. Nights are spent watching stars in hope that you can get a shard of that feeling of innocence and eternity and belief that you are on top of the world, not deep in the muck, being crushed by it all.
Innocence is lost. Life becomes scary. Go onto a subway platform. Watch the poor man play tunes on his guitar and sing his heart out in a tone death voice, waiting for someone to spare some change. Watch the tired faces of people not caring about their line of work, just floating from one location to the next, without anything to look forward to along the process. Watch those who are different and have causes that they believe in, to the point that they brand them on their forearms, dress accordingly, read hipster books with useless knowledge so they can be cleverly on top of conversations and eventually lose their names and become their causes. Everyone is either fighting or losing a fight or in ignorance getting prepared by the world for a fight.
Maybe the world isn’t fighting. Maybe people aren’t really hurting and bleeding. Maybe the injuries I see, aren’t there. Maybe they’re just inside of me, manifesting into what I think I perceive.
I wish life didn’t make me sick. I wish it made me smile again. I want to go back to the way that I was and every night, I put that prayer into my head. If Love and Truth are such important facets of life then why can’t they be enough? Why can’t they be enough to keep me happy?
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[24 Dec 2006|08:12pm] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
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So my life is pretty close to perfect.
There's a thrill about not knowing what will happen next year. where i will be. maybe maybe maybe vancouver.? deadline for the university of british columbia is end of february so i still have plenty of time. and once i turn 18 i can apply for my citizenship so i won't have to hassle with annoying student visas.
or maybe i'll marry the king of the gypsies in poland and dye my hair black and wear long skirts and long strands of beads and move from place to place in tents. we used to live by gypsies in bobrowniki and my brother told me the gypsy girls are beautiful. maybe they won't be so willing to adopt a white blonde.
christmas eve was okay so far. the food was good.
i know some of the most amazing people. being hugged in the pouring rain while youre hysterically crying surely qualifies as a memory.
so when i say my life is pretty close to perfect - it really means. i hope everyone is lucky enough to feel as infinite as i do right now.
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[13 Dec 2006|08:32pm] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
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Today I finally understood my good friend and how he is able to heal himself by helping others with their problems rather than opening up about his own. It happened when I was leaving the school and a random girl that I'm not really friends with came up to me and spilled her heart out to me. I felt a sense of relief because I was not alone with my issues. I also felt a desire to help her out because she did not deserve to feel this way and while I might have in the past...I had strong support to get me through it. Such a cycle. People with problems being helped by people who used to have those same problems and then helping others in the future who get those problems. Maybe I can take part in it. Maybe now its my turn to make her into a future helper.
So now I get him and I laugh at how I was annoyed before. Maybe me and him are more alike than I had first suspected.
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[22 Nov 2006|12:05am] |
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you keep your heart where i can barely reach it
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[07 Nov 2006|09:04pm] |
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I love looking through old shit. I just found a stack of journals and poems i wrote in like early early elementary school. one was about a unicorn who used his horn to attack people whenever he got mad although the entire poem seems to praise him on his carefree nature. hahah. such contradictions. i like getting into the mind of me ten years ago.
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[01 Nov 2006|05:04pm] |
I know that there seems to be a desire among humans to interact, speak, love, Describe.
But sometimes I just can't describe exactly how I feel. I don't care anymore if it gives people the impression that i'm simple and say things of little importance.
but i love my friend monica. she's highly intuitive and seems to be able to follow what i say with patience and ease whenever i decide to Describe. and i don't feel like me opening up is such a hassle with her.
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[29 Oct 2006|07:35pm] |
I have AMAZING friends.
It makes me smile to know just how blessed I am.
Monica, Ilya and James just helped me so much.
And the way i've been feeling has been tough but i just have to remind myself over and over...this is not me. this will go away. i'm a happy person. i deserve to live life fully and i deserve to give myself as much optimism and hope as i can. i deserve to let myself be happy. these feelings have come at a really bad time in my life. now i'm growing and maturing and becoming an adult and this on top of it all has made it even harder. but like ilya said, i have to remember that there was once a time when i was truly happy and it'll come again. it'll come again.
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[23 Oct 2006|06:45pm] |
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I don't see a point to certain things anymore.
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| Different drums and different drummers |
[16 Oct 2006|08:52pm] |
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mood |
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 jubilant |
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If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.
Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my view.
Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.
Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be.
I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.
I may be your spouse, your parent, offspring, friend, or your colleague. If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beleifs, or actions, then you open yourself, so that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear to you as right - for me. To put up with me is the first step to understanding me. Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And in understanding me you might come to prize my differences from you, and, far from seeking to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences.
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[15 Oct 2006|04:42pm] |
I think I'm going to move
after college
to africa or latin america
it's the only thing that i feel really good about now
the only thing that feels real
i love life again
it's easy to hate it i think
but i feel so blessed
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[09 Oct 2006|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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 surprised |
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Sometimes i wonder whether I feel such a strong connection to Mary because I can't find that female aspect in God.
Like I don't have a very good relationship with my dad so how can I be expected to understand and accept God the Father.
I don't know. Maybe I just need to stop reading feminist theology books.
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[08 Oct 2006|11:53am] |
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mood |
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grateful |
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the sooner you begin to accept yourself, the sooner people will accept you as well. the path is a little difficult though. you can remain as you are, the Same, moderatly happy... Safe because you have given you full consent to allow others to define you. But somewhere along that way you will be faced with an ultimatum - Remain the Same and continue being only moderatly happy or break out of all that habitual shit risking a whole lot for the mere possibility of being truly, ridiculously happy. my time of crossroads has come. has yours? and what will you do when it does?
speaking of which, i allowed a group of drunk girls cut my hair today. a little hypocritical to my pathway.
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[01 Oct 2006|08:26pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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Girl, I know the hall looks dark
& the storm it seems so scary
Your face lit up on beats of lightning
you start, you start running
& your eyes are like screaming
& since there is no end and no beginning
You will run
You will run
You will run
Girl, I know the woods look dark
& the trees they seem so deadly
The girls around you are so frightened
& you start, you start to panic
and your courage starts to vanish
& the world, it really is on fire
& it burns
& it burns
& it burns
& it burns
vivian, your life is told through 19 thousand pages
in a world too unreal to behold
Your innocence has faded
Faded all your blues to gray
Your skin has bruised through moving days
Glue is peeling back away
Curling, cracking, painted
Girl youve been rolled up in colorful carpets
Your blood is rushing, look around you
you're froze, you're frozen quiet
& your eyes, they are widened
Room unfurnished, no light for nightfall
just rugs for rolling you up
you know you can't get up
when you do, you swear you willl run
You will run
You will run
You will run
No one will ever save you
If no one can ever find you
No one will ever save you
If no one can ever find you
Lost girls
Lost girls
Lost girls
Lost girls
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[30 Sep 2006|03:42pm] |
You're gay and a waste of my time
Funny how I used to think the world of you.
k bye =]
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[25 Sep 2006|11:06pm] |
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mood |
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surprised |
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what I've felt
what I've known
never shined through in what I've shown
never free
never me
so I dub thee unforgiven
they dedicate their lives
to running all of his
he tries to please them all
this bitter man he is
throughout his life the same
he's battled constantly
this fight he cannot win
a tired man they see no longer cares
the old man then prepares
to die regretfully
that old man here is me
i've listened to metallica ever since i've been potty trained and i just never really understood the lyrics. until now. wow.
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[25 Sep 2006|02:19pm] |
"Scar tissue has no character. It's not like skin. It doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It's like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it; we have something to hide."
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[24 Sep 2006|01:35pm] |
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mood |
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 flirty |
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I want him.
He's such an asshole
but I saw the way he looked at me.
Someone hasn't learned her lesson..
I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me but it's hard to say mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupd little life. You have no idea what I am talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry. You will someday.
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[21 Sep 2006|09:33pm] |
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mood |
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 productive |
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I live for those moments when people's words actually mean something and I make sure I don't get carried away with my ideas to those whose space I feel like I might be invading. What strange things life is dropping on my lap...everytime that I attempt to predict life, I should slap myself. I've been missing little things lately. Bagel shop with Damon. Vodka ghetto style from plastic cups with Tats. Walking down Monica's stairs making a hustle in my loud flipflops. Busting my ass on the roof steps. Chalk masterpieces on Natalie's block. Listening to live music.
speaking of the chalk masterpieces. a paul moment. when he came down the block and pretended to steal natalie's chalk box. he always tried to get a laugh out of someone. it's funny. he had such a kind heart that i can still feel it. i am much more aware of his presence than of most of those around me. Antonin Artaud once said, "We do not die because we have to die; we die because one day, and not so long ago, our consciousness was forced to deem it necessary." I know he's still very much here as is my sister.
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[17 Sep 2006|10:22pm] |
Your angel is Serephina. "I am the angel of families. A happy change or addition is coming to your family."
Hahah i just got a reading. well it was longer than this. ahh how funny. i can't wait for my brother's baby.
Speaking of which, apparently my intuition levels are very high. Meditation + dreamwork work.
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spillmyheart4_u's journal
